Life and other things

Wow, it's been a while since I've posted. I'd love to say something indescribably exciting happened but alas this is not so. Basicly life lately has been looking after my animals and school. I have 1 week of school left and then exams, this is very surreal! I can't belive I'm almost finished this year. So let me talk about the great things this year:

* I made a good RL friend, we have lunch at least once a week and she's stayed over a few times, we've watched movies and talked. You don't realise how much you miss that in your life until you have it again.

* I've grown some online friendships

* I've done okay at school, 75% was my worst mark and that was for my English oral. However our in-class essay could kick my butt, we'll see.

* I learned to drive!

* I travelled to Europe 

* I've become slightly more socially confident

And now let's talk about the not so great things this year and also coming up:

* I've still got a really long way to go with my social anxiety. An epically long way.

* My friend is going to be moving interstate next year, I'm really going to miss her.

* I'm also going to miss her editing stuff for me, she rocked at it

* I'm stressed and worried about uni next year

* I've lost some internet friends

* In the end I decided to attend a local uni instead of move, I thought that support at home would be very important for me. Even if the course is not the exact one I wanted to do, I can always transfer once I'm feeling more confident

* I've not made any progress on the romance front at all. It's depressing

* I'm going on a trip with above friend for a month in the new year, I'm nervous about this. I've never travelled with anyone but family and she's so much younger than me. Hopefully it won't be a complete disaster.

* I've been having a bit of a confidence crisis lately. Hanging out with beautiful 18-year-olds will do that to you.

I've made the decsion to try uni out and see how it goes, if it goes well and I get an exchange thats great. If not I intend to defer for a year after year one and do a working holiday. That way I won't miss out either way.

That's really all the updates for now, rest assured I'm still here and I haven't forgotten about my blog or you guys :) You'll probably be hearing from me over the holidays a fair bit more I imagine! I have a few posts I want to write and hopefully there will be time then. And rest assured I'll keep you all uptodate with uni adventures.

Vanessa

it never rains it pours

I feel bad about not updating this blog as often as I feel like I should :( Anyway I'm sorry about that, I haven't forgotten my blog community and I hope you guys will continue to stick with me on this crazy journey!

These last few weeks have been a compilation of confusion and stress. School started back and we have a new english teacher, I didn't realise how much this would affect me-its made me very unsure and anxious, hopefully I'll adjust. She's a lot tougher than our previous teacher and more strict with timing and assignment outlines. She also occasionally treats us like we're all 5 years old. I've already done one test in english and now our first assignment is another oral presentation, which was the main assignment I had trouble with last semester. Laying out, planning and writing a oral presentation (with a power point presentation) is really difficult for me, at least essays are just a simple formula of intro, 3-4 body paragraphs and a conclusion. I've only got a week and 2 days to get it done too, so I'm pretty stressed......and as all class A procrastinators do I'm avoiding it like the plague instead of actually attempting to get started. My friend at school loves oral presentations so I can't even get any sympathy from her :( We've also got our first book based essay too, can't say I'm looking forward to that. At all. Oh and math this semester is the kind of math I hate, ratios and probability, so it's a slow slog through that as well. Biology so far has been okay, although the exam is always a killer, I'l give it my best shot. I keep telling myself that if I finish I'll buy a nice dress for graduation and maybe get my hair braided or something.....but I also want a dress I can wear again, I'm looking at these right now cause I think they're casual enough to wear agin but could also double as slightly dressed up

I may change my mind between now and then of course.

I've been out with my school friend to lunch a couple of times and also to a couple of sports games (as spectators) which has been nice, but I do feel the age gap keenly on occasion. It's also hard watching people 10 years your junior have boyfriends and girlfriends when you're out on your own. My friend bought her younger sister and her friend along to the sporting game and we went for ice cream after and they started talking about how many kisses they'd had and I just didn't say anything, I felt like shocking them by saying I'd had none but my better sense told me that would be stupid so I kept quiet. I'm glad I didn't say anything now, who knows what they would've decided to do and maybe they would've brought it up again later. But I felt very apart at that moment, I may be older and wiser in some ways but in others I'm 12 and maybe always will be :( It makes me wonder what I'm doing wrong.

And then we went to visit our small farm down the coast, its currently rented, but my mum has said its 'her retirement fund' so as she's due for retirement she was thinking to either live there or sell. There's a new road going in and this is the first time we've seen it in person. Well, its awful. The road is now looming 2 stories above our property and the noise is pretty epic, you can see it from everywhere on the block. It's devalued the property by half and the existing house site is no longer useable, well unless you'd like to live in the shadow of a highway. My mum is no longer sure she wants to live there at all but the selling of it is now no longer going to enable her to buy elsewhere. Its a mess :( I'm really sad about it as if a house was built my mum was going to leave it to me, but now that's not going to happen. It was a really beautiful place, I can't believe they've ruined it so badly, I always loved it there but yesterday I left with a heavy heart-nothing in my life is the same anymore, first the farm and now this little block that I'd always imagined living on one day ruined. I'm feeling a little down about it all.

I've also been thinking hard about university, I know it would be a great thing to do but I'm still concerned about my ability to cope with the whole moving/starting uni/living like a normal person. I have some time to think luckily but it seems to be coming up so quick! What do you guys think? Uni or working holiday?

Vanessa

Euro trip, school and aloneness

Long time no see everyone! Basically after my last post I was busy with final exams and then I was packing for my trip with my sister to Europe. First off I'll tell you that I got A's in all of my classes, in some ways I'm pretty excited about that......in others I'm not.......like can I keep it up? Was it a fluke? Is this just a really low standard? It's not fun thinking like that but I guess I'll find out soon enough which one it is. My motivation levels for school have been a bit low this last while and I'm not sure what to do about it.

Euro trip was really good, we went to Rome, Paris, Brussels and Amsterdam. We had heaps of fun, saw lots of cool stuff and ate lots of good food. Every time I travel I think about when I can go next, this is the first time I've travelled without my mum so it was a different experience-but I didn't kill my sister so that's an achievement! I think so far me and my mum travel best together but this proves I can still have fun with someone else. I have a trip planned with my school friend for January, it's going to be very different again, I'm a little worried about how it'll go but I guess I should try and find out if it works for me.

Then onto aloneness, from next week I'll be staying on my own 3-4 nights a week. It doesn't sound like a big deal but its pretty scary-I've always lived in the country, when I stayed home alone before it was in a farmhouse 7 kms from the nearest neighbour.....that would scare the snot out of a lot of people but I was so familiar it was fine. This place is a ground-floor flat in a city.....there are strange people and noises and it freaks me out-I hope I can adjust and get over it. I was hoping my school friend might stay over a bit but I don't think thats going to happen......I have no idea how much is too much with friends, not having had any for so long I often feel my view of friendship is skewed by TV shows and movies-what's normal? How's it work? Hopefully I won't stuff it up. I really need to get more comfortable being alone-I'm going to be doing a lot of it unless something changes.

Vanessa

Happy (belated) birthday blog!

My blog turned 2 on the 10th of June! Thats pretty amazing. It seems like longer than that to me. In that time I've started to 'get shit done', lets do a list (because lists rock...):
* I finally said enough and stopped letting anxiety ruin my life, I started seeing someone about my anxiety and actively started working on getting better
* I traveled overseas, with my mum, and started to consider having my own solo overseas adventure
* I went back to school!
* I've stuck out 6 months at school so far....6 more to go
* I learned to drive
* I passed my driving test!
* I met cool people and made friends via my blog
* I made a friend at school
* I've made plans with my new friends to do stuff
* I completed C25K and moved on to 10K progression

It's not a huge list, but compared to before I started my blog I've definitely made forward progress. I just hope it continues along slowly but surely.

Vanessa

Adulting?

It's been a crazy few weeks here. I handed in my Biology assignment, after it nearly drove me crazy. I had a strong urge to snatch it back form the teacher immediately after handing it over........because I felt it needed more work. But my biology assignment obsession made me drop the ball on my other assignment from my english class. Dammit! In the end I asked for an extension, which I was granted, I still feel bad about needing it but the assignment wouldn't get done otherwise. It's another assignment type I've never done before and as such is causing me some issues and stress. This is the most out of step and behind I've felt with school since I started, I've been feeling a bit blah just generally and then this feeling that I'm a little bit behind is making me panic and feel even worse. And then exams are coming up in 2 weeks and I feel unprepared and worried. Particularly about bio and math as there are so many things to remember and I want to keep my grade decent. So there's been a fair bit of stress happening!
Then on top of all that I've been discussing with my mum driving back and forth to school when (if?) I get my licence and then also thinking of literally being cold turkey first-time-living-alone in February next year with no safety net (mum will be thousands of kms away) and how that might not be such a great idea. My mum decided that it would be a stellar idea for me to stay in the city where I go to school for 3 days a week-no driving back and forth at night and also living alone road test with a safety net! I wasn't sure. I'm still not sure. But once my mum decides something that's usually it, and sure enough by next week we'll likely be signing a lease. This is both kind of exciting (my own place 3 days a week, buying some house stuff, friend promising to visit and go running) and absolutely terrifying (being alone at night when people are around outside, handling doing *everything* by myself, being lonely), I have no idea how it'll go. Okay hopefully.

I'm not very good at adulting, I think I fail the 'functional adult' test pretty spectacularly (my 17 year old classmates are more independent than me. No seriously), hopefully I can learn otherwise Uni and solo travel look pretty sketchy. I don't know what I'll do if I find I can't function as a normal adult-it will be the death of many hopes and dreams.

Vanessa

That would be a no then?

I've been pretty busy, and as a consequence my online activities have tended to suffer, the internet is the first ball I drop when things get hectic unfortunately. I know there are people who juggle blogs, families, exercise and school. I admire them greatly, but I'm not one of them! So I've been MIA for a bit and after this post I'll probably disappear again for a while. But here's a rough recap of what's happening now and over the next few weeks:
*I'm officially in my second term of school! After this one is done I'm halfway.
*Math this term has been my least favourite kind :( Headache inducing.
*Biology is interesting but the exam I took last term was brutal, hope the next one goes okay
*English is going okay, I've got my grades up to over 80% which I'm pleased about
*Took my first ever driving test. Failed it due to a missed observation check. I didn't cry though!
*Booked in another driving test, which I'm already worried about
*I'm still on track with my running, although I'm getting a bit bored of the treadmill! And I have some new broken capillaries to show for my efforts.
*I'm off to Europe with my sister in my school holidays

I have 3 assignments right now, 2 are things I've never done before (experiment and oral presentation) which is stressful as I'm not sure how to go about doing them and I'm worried I'll get bad marks for them. The other 1 is my math assignment which is full of my weakest areas math wise so is stressful. I've made it this far and I don't want to fail out or quit, but the pressure is on these next few weeks. Then I have 3 exams in as many weeks. So pretty full on!

I've been accepted into uni for next year, the uni I'm thinking of is not prestigious but it does offer the exchange I want in my program. The course I'm interested in is more a practical degree (it's in a health science area) so it doesn't rely on prestige as much as, say, a law degree but still I'm sure some would say go for the more prestigious uni even though it doesn't offer the exchange I want. Any thoughts from out there in the blogosphere?

I'm very nervous over the idea of moving even though it's a while away.

I'll be sure to let you all know how I go! Even if it takes a few weeks.....

Vanessa

PS My blogs second birthday is coming up on the 10th of June! I'll be sure to post something then :)

Better at life?

As usual lately some things have happened lately to make me question myself. As you know I ran my own agricultural business for around 3 years, it just broke even, I won prizes and worked 14+ hour days, 7 days a week 10 months of the year (the other 2 were spent getting stuff organised for the coming year). It was exhausting. My competitors spread vicious rumours. I was always on the outer of the group because I wasn't a city person who'd retired and decided to go into this particular field, rather I was born and breed country. People judged me and doubted me due to my age. Then I realised I would never have a chance to travel or go to university, and yes, maybe stupidly, have a relationship. Then my mother got sick and couldn't help share the workload.So I closed the business. All the same people who'd given me a hard time suddenly came out of the woodwork to enquire why I was closing as I was doing so well, and to try and make me feel bad for 'not working hard enough' to keep it going. They also tried to buy my equipment. I withdrew and started about trying to build a better life. People still approach me now to ask if I'll be starting again and why I quit, the truth is it's always in the back of my mind to start up again-but I'm just not sure if the amount of work, lack of outside life and the petty backstabbing is worth it: is that what I really want out of life?
Then I made the mistake at looking up some of my competitors, they all seem happy and to be doing well and I think: am I a failure? Did I give up too soon? Are they better at life? Do people just like them better than me?
Frankly days like this make me feel done with life. I just am sick of always feeling like I'm wrong or I'm doing something wrong. But lets face it I must me, or my life wouldn't look like it does and I wouldn't feel how I feel.
So I guess I get an F in life and the worst part is I always try so hard.

Vanessa

Down the barrel

It's been a weird few weeks. I go back to school next week, I survived my first term and pending a couple of results (um. Biology.) passed. It's really hard for me to balance things, even if I've done what I'm supposed to do I feel like I should do a bit more and give myself a buffer-then when I don't for whatever reason I feel bad, like I should give up. I'm trying to let go of that perfectionism, all or nothing attitude which prevails throughout my whole life pretty much-it's hard accepting 'okay' or 'good enough' be it food choices or exercise or school work. And then I get this sneaky feeling, what if this program isn't very good? Will I really be ready for university? It doesn't help theres been a bit of scare mongering from some outside people that has left me unsure. Then there's also the fact I genuinely dislike school. I wonder about doing 3 years of it, I know its a good idea but if I can actually tolerate it I have no idea. Maybe I'll take a year off in the middle if needed. Maybe I'll fail and won't have to worry. Who knows.

I've had some hard decisions to make regarding animals, hopefully I've made the right one, but it's a decision that will mean some extra work for me. Not the best thing probably in the midst of school but I had to make a decision and I did. Right or wrong.

I've been having some nerves about the idea of moving (not until February next year!), worried about looking after myself, losing my close family relationships (the only ones I really have), of nothing changing and just being lonely and unhappy and unable to go back.
I actually have plans with friends for next year which is both weird and exciting. I hope it all works out.

Basically I'm feeling all weird and adrift. Am I doing the right thing? Should I do something else? Am I helping myself? I don't know. Seeing people happy and in relationships stings, weddings, babies and all those things leave me feeling worried and stressed. What am I doing about that? What can I do about that? The only thing I feel happy about lately is meeting my exercise goals, but I feel even they aren't good enough sometimes. Be better is the constant mantra in my head.

Vanessa

PS Holiday went well, I'm looking forward to snorkelling again one day!
PPS I'm still on track with my c25k :)

Well. F*ck.

Ever had that feeling that things are going okay? Yeah me too. I did my first 2 tests (english and math), now it wasn't a walk in the park but I felt I understood what I was doing and I felt like 'okay I may not get 100% but I'm pretty positive I've passed!', my new friend from class insisted that we should go out for my birthday for a movie and burgers even though it was a couple days late, I've been slowly but surely doing the c25k. Basically I thought things we're going okay. Big mistake. First we got handed out a new essay for english. Then I checked out the biology revision test for next thurs, I thought I'd just glance over it a few times and all would be well, yeah that was not what happened. I looked at it and went 'WTF! What is this?!'. It wants us to draw graphs and write hypothesis, something we haven't done in class at all. It wants us to write a chemical equation and draw an atom, things we also didn't do in class. Colour me confused over here. What the hell am I going to do?! Fail I suspect. I really wish the teacher had been more clear and said 'we're just glossing over stuff here, please read this and do that at home to be prepared'........but he didn't! So now I'm all at sea. And seriously worried, this is the worst anxiety I've had since starting school and I'm not sure what to do to fix the problem. Should I ask for an extension so I can study? Should I study for this week and hope for the best? I don't know. I don' want to fail. I can't help but think this just makes me stupid, obviously everyone else in the class figured you had to do lots of research outside of class whilst I just coasted along oblivious. And then there's the fact that my dad was so good at biology so I feel like I'm letting down the home front as well. To top it all off I've noticed a couple of broken capillaries in my cheeks, likely from running. I have my face lasered to get rid of them/control my skin (super sensitive skin which gets red easy) and now I feel like any kind of strenuous exercise is just going to reverse the process. Oh and my doc said I should avoid sun, spicy food, alcohol, extreme temperatures, intense exercise and stress. Then she considered that and said 'but you have to have a life too', well thanks. Bit hard though with avoiding all those. I won't stop running for now, I guess once I have to stop I'll just get it all lasered again-but thats painful and expensive *sigh* And I don't want to stop, I want to be active and fit. I feel like everything I try to do is countered by the universe with massive nope.
I hope the next few weeks are better than this. I hope that I can by some miracle sort this test out. I'm not hopeful though.

Vanessa

Happy birthday man

Tomorrow I turn 28. Every year for some reason I expect to be in a completely different place in life by my next birthday-oddly no matter how many things I do I feel much the same. I have a few more friends than this time last year. I have plans with a couple of friends, again more than I had this time last year. I'm living somewhere new, albeit still with my mother. I'm 2 weeks off completing my first term of school. I've just completed my 10th C25K run, so am about halfway. I've signed up to a tough mudder. But as much as everything has changed it's stayed the same, I still feel nervous around people, I feel stupid on a more than regular basis, I'm never content with how I look, I still haven't got my drivers licence and I definitely don't have a boyfriend or the prospect of one.
Also I have an english test tomorrow. Happy birthday right?

Vanessa

I had to post about this

I be crazy

So I got my first assignment back, 72% or in a B-. Good right? Wrong. The more I think about it the more I panic-was it a fluke? Is the assignment I just handed in awful and not even a 10th as good? Will I ever get a better mark? Is that mark good enough? Can I keep that level? Am I crazy? Probably.
It's so weird. Why do I do this?! Why worry about stuff I can't change? I promised myself I'd be happy with a pass-this is better than a pass-but suddenly I want to do better and I'm worried I'll quit if I don't. I need to learn to be happy with 'okay' not 'perfect'.
Vanessa

Confidence: where do you get that?

Hi everyone!
Next week will be my 7th week of school, I have done 2 english assignments, 1 biology assignment and 1 math assignment-no results on any of these yet but I hope I passed! It's hard to believe term one of four is almost over-2 more weeks to go! Unfortunately these 2 weeks contain 3 exams, I break into a cold sweat just thinking about it-and then I have 2 weeks holidays! I've made it this far which feels like an achievement, even if it's only a small one. I do feel like maybe I haven't studied enough, which I always feel no matter how much I've done, and sometimes it all seems like french to me. I just hope I pass. People have noticed I stress out and doubt myself over assignments something fierce and its always embarrassing when people notice that kind of thing :(

But onto confidence. I don't have any and I hate it. It casts shadows over my whole life, love things that should be fun and exciting. Examples? Gladly: my mum wants to go on a holiday in, well, the holidays to QLD. At first I was really excited-a beach holiday! Snorkelling the great barrier reef! Stand up paddle boarding! And then I realised I have to wear swimmers and I suddenly wasn't excited at all anymore. A bit like my school work it doesn't matter how thin or fit or hairless I am I always feel like it's 'not enough' and feel self conscious and unhappy-cuts out lots of fun I could be having and that makes me really sad :( And I really have no idea what to do about it.
Another example would be an exercise class I tagged along to with my mum, I nearly turned tail and went home to change into loose pants as I didn't want anyone to see me in my exercise tights. Despite the fact that everyone else was wearing them. Why do I feel that way?!
And lastly me and my sister are going to Europe in July and I'm worried about not being able to do things on my own if she's being difficult, I also want to wear some dresses but I'm worried about feeling to self conscious and it ruining the trip :(
I'm so sick of over thinking all the time! I just want to be carefree and enjoy life, why is that so hard?

Vanessa

Essay? No way.

Argh. So I've learnt a few things lately, the most important of which is that I'm not a writer. At all. Even when I want to write (i.e. this blog) I tend to be a bit slapdash at it, it often doesn't make a whole lot of sense. On here that doesn't matter too much.....you guys love me anyway right? But essays? Oh my god. They slay me. And I have what seems like an unreasonable amount of the suckers. So I've basically just come to say essays suck, anyone else have serious trouble writing an essay that doesn't look like a complete mess? I hope I'm not the only one.
Also they say starting is the hardest part. They lied.
Vanessa

Guys: I am still alive

I feel like it's been ages! Sorry for the neglect. I am still alive, I have not met some fabulous dude and eloped, I have, however, managed to make a friend 10 years younger than me. It's kind of confusing, And somewhat embarrassing seeing as I seem to fit in better with an 18 year old than with my peers *shrugs* I've signed up for the leadership group with some prompting and I've also signed up for a tough mudder. I have gone quietly insane I suspect. I was already struggling with time management and then I went and did that-but seizing the opportunity has been something I've never done. Maybe this is it? I don't feel anymore in control than I did before and oddly enough the more people I'm in contact with the more weird about it I get: I'm all 'do they hate me?', 'am I whatsapping them too much?', 'do they really mean that?', 'do they really want to hang out?' so on and forth pretty much non-stop. It's exhausting. And then I worry over the school work too. Round and round I go. But this is my forth week, I've handed in one assignment, I've gone to dinner with my new friend and I'm hoping to get my licence in April. I've also made plans for a road trip with one online friend and plans to meet another two. This is progress I guess? I don't feel any different yet. I'm still tempted somedays just to retreat back into my comfy little shell, but then I remind myself how miserable I was there and that the world won't wait. I want to do so many things, maybe this is the start?

Vanessa
PS when I get all super stressed out I tend to get a bit obsessive about something. In this case it's wash tape. It's on everything. I love it. I guess it's not too bad as obsessions go......

I suck at time management

It's becoming very clear: I should never, ever be put in charge of trying to schedule my own time. I suck at it. I have a few things I'm meant to do before next lesson.......I have no idea when to do them. On the weekend? But its the weekend! When I get home? Nah too tired. On my half day off? Maybe, are there laws about that? In other words I agonise when the 'best time' is, spend even more time worrying that I'll never have any free time again (note: worrying time could be free time. But that's how I roll) and thus get nothing done leading to a mad panic. It's super.
I really need to get it sorted though, it only the start and I'm only going to get more stuff, and I'm only doing 3 courses-some of the people in my class are doing 6 and working part time. They are either much better at time management than me, need less downtime than me or are aliens. Equal bets all ways I say.
Anyway my first week is done, so far english has been okay (and I met a nice girl to sit with!), math is in that iffy grey area: we did graphs the first week and I'm okay (on my math scale okay=not panic inducing, minimal sweating and only 20% stupid mistakes) at graphs but obviously we'll be doing other stuff so this may change, biology has been the worst for a few reasons:
*The teacher: He's really nice but I like someone to explain exactly what they want me to do, he's more of the 'read this, discuss with classmates and get answer' this doesn't work so great for me.
*The material: this is stuff I've never covered before in any form (even with math at least I'd seen/made a graph before) and theres a lot of it. That's hard for me and I felt a bit lost at least twice in the class.
*The other students: I'd say 90% of them have taken biology in some context before, they seem to know a lot of the course content for example before today I'd never heard of Eukaryotic or Prokaryotic cells (handy hint: the difference is Eukaryotic cells have nucleus and organelle membranes! Or at least I think that was it.....) but the class was discussing them as if they already knew about them. I freaked out a little bit. Also there was some math involved that I didn't know (volume, area and then dividing them to get.....I've forgotten, but you get the picture) which put me on the spot and made me uncomfortable. I hate looking stupid in front of other people.

Anyway that's the lay of the land for now. I still feel unsteady and unsure but I hope it'll get better.

Vanessa

I need to stop reading

Why you ask? Well I find articles like these:
http://www.smh.com.au/national/education/students-struck-by-high-anxiety-20101129-18doq.html
http://www.telegraph.co.uk/education/universityeducation/student-life/10371945/Anxiety-at-university-dont-feel-youre-alone.html
http://counselling.anu.edu.au/brochure/10-best-ever-anxiety-management-techniques
http://www.uts.edu.au/current-students/support/health-and-wellbeing/counselling-service-and-self-help/self-help-resource-7
http://www.theguardian.com/society/2013/sep/15/anxiety-epidemic-gripping-britain
(I realise some of these have nothing to do with anxiety and university but just anxiety in general)

And I wonder.....if anxiety is more prevalent amongst university students, who were for all intents had stable mental health to start, am I doing the right thing for my mental health? As someone who already suffers anxiety have I dodged a bullet? I mean I already have it so it'd be pretty hard to develop it right? Maybe not. I can certainly be more stressed thats for sure and lets face it as someone who suffers from anxiety and mild depression motivation can be hard to come by so things like assessments and tests are like my worst enemy. I want to achieve something, I want to make friends and have a life-is this the best way? I don't know.

My first day was okay. I was pretty freaked the first few hours (sweating, shaking, heart racing) but the last couple were okay. I go again tomorrow and also have my first math class so we'll see how that goes I guess. The way I'm playing it is: if it's too much I'll drop a class and I'll try to feel okay with putting my mental health first and not beat myself up over it. If I need to go down to a lower level to feel comfortable it's not a big deal. And if I do need to drop out, well, it's not the end of the world. I'm hoping it doesn't come to that but I don't want to hate myself if it does.

Vanessa

I don't know what I'm doing

Hi everyone!
It's been a busy few weeks, I went to my interview and got accepted into part of the course-unfortunately my math was not good enough for Chemistry so now I'm doing english, biology and low level math. I don't know how it will go, I have my schedule but I haven't even put it in my planner cause I feel like I won't be going for long. I start on monday so I guess I'll find out soon enough, I guess I just have this feeling like I can't do anything academic at all :( I really want to though, I've found a perfect science prep course that I could do after this if I can hack it. God I hope I can. And the worst is the more anxious I get about one thing (school) the more anxious I get about everything, did that person who hasn't replied to my email for 3 days hate me?, does the person who hasn't texted me back think I'm stupid?, does that person at the post office think I'm frivolous? just one big ball of freakout right now. I also feel guilty if I post on my blog before I reply to emails......but my blog is like my diary, it's an outlet, sometimes I don't feel like emailing but I do feel like blogging *shrugs* I have no idea what I'm doing basically. So hopefully no one is irritated at me. I have plans for a couple of posts first off is the 'TMI' tag as on hugs x heart and the second is 'dear 28', hopefully by writing them here I'll remember them!

Does anyone else feel totally inferior when they read about people who are single parents to 6 kids, study full time and work part time? Or those people who collaboratively moan with you 'oh I'm bad at math' then proceed to get 18 out of 20 questions right on a test? When I say I'm bad at math I mean it-like 8 out of 20 questions right. I'm not lazy and not even particularly stupid, it's just for some reason math doesn't make a whole lot of sense to me. I hope I can get good enough to do what I want but I'm beginning to seriously doubt it.

Vanessa

!!!everybody!!!

Just a quick note that if you're waiting on hearing from me I am neither ignoring you or dead. I've just had the busiest couple of days ever, and the next couple of days are much the same. Including a visit to the dentist. 

I'll get back to you all and write a new post in the next few days.

My social anxiety feels  compelled to add-please don't hate me!

Vanessa

Back and forth

I did my placement test on Friday, I was so terrified I actually felt nauseous. I also made the somewhat silly mistake of focusing solely on the math part and not doing any research on the english part, you know like essay structure *face palm* I also completely blanked on 'what does prestigious mean?' ah, um, oh dear! So I felt like basically I did the equivalent to a 12 year old. I was pretty bad. And focusing on study math was a waste of time as it was mostly guess work for me, none of it was anything I'd looked at. On the bright side there were a few other mature students, although most were youngsters. The staff was really, really nice and encouraging, letting me know even if my placement test was bad they could organise bridging courses, extensions if I was having anxiety and free full access to the school councillors. They were great.

I have to go back next monday for an interview and then they'll tell me how I did and what steps I need to take next. They did say that from 2016 the adult program will be longer as the government is changing the requirements :( So if I don't it done this year it'll take me longer.

But I've just been back and forth ever since honestly: can I really do this? Am I just too....something....to ever complete this type of thing? Will I ever be able to do high enough level of math? Will I get chemistry or be left feeling stupid? I don't know. Is it my own mental block that is making everything feel so hard? I'm kind of freaking out. I want to believe in myself: sure you can! But what if I can't? At least if I don't try I can't fail you know? And, yes, I realise that is a totally stupid way of thinking.

Which plays into the whole 'am I being realistic' train of thought? Is it realistic to go back to school, do all these steps, study overseas? What am I doing? Other people do it but maybe they are more capable than me. I don't know. Am I completely nuts for wanting to do these things? Is my desire to go overseas a silly frivolous one? I don't want to think so. I hope I can get there one day. But I've been having some doubts about just about everything lately. It's not fun.

In other news we pulled up the old floor and pulled out the kitchen in our new house, so we now have no lounge and no kitchen.Oh and dust everywhere. Good times. I've moved the computer 3 times in the last 3 weeks. Our bedroom carpet was delayed and is finally (I hope!) getting laid tomorrow, which means I can finally put up my new bed and mattress. I'm looking forward to that, my current hand-me-down bed sucks in a major way. I haven't been sleeping well at all, up till 12pm or later and then waking up at around 3am and tossing and turning. Part of this is anxiety I'm sure, but I'm equally sure some of it is my saggy, hot mattress and the fact that it sits off the headboard a bit making my pillow just sit wrong. Argh. I've been watching some home improvement shows for decorating ideas, I'm a bit tentative but I think I have some idea what we'll be doing with the kitchen and also my room, I hope. One big debate I'm having is wether or not I want a desk in my room. It's big enough for sure but I've never had my computer in my room with me and I kind of like my room being my 'me' space. No computer or phone etc, but maybe the privacy of having my computer in my room would be nice? I don't know. I've been eyeing ikea desks anyway ;)
Kitchen planning is somewhat complicated, we're going with white cupboards and wood benches.....but there are still soooooooo many choices, like flat doors? Bevelled doors? Plank style doors? And what colour wood bench, light? Medium? Dark? And then what about the splash backs? Colour? Glass? Tile? One thing is for sure I can't wait to have a kitchen and lounge again!

Vanessa

PS I had a dream someone cut my hair. Any ideas what that means? I wasn't even upset about it....*shrugs*

PPS Happy Australia day everyone!

The backpack of disappointment

In my experience buying things for hypothetical school plans are a waste of time and an exercise in disappointment. I'm really hoping this time will be different. That this time it won't be a backpack of disappointment. I want a backpack of success this time. I realise that a lot of the time the disappointment has been a self fulfilling prophecy, my own fault, my own loss of enthusiasm or getting overwhelmed by anxiety.

I think that's why I've been so cautious this time round, looking into every available avenue or pathway, it's been exceedingly confusing but I think I now know the best way to get to where I want to go-not the easiest or quickest way maybe but the most likely for me to succeed at. I don't like the idea of going back to foundation skills solely due to the fact I'm sure it'll mostly be 16 year olds and that's like my worst nightmare (teenagers are mean and judgemental from past experience), but I guess I need to tell myself that I'm there to learn not to hangout with classmates and tough it out. I hope I can do it and not have a freakout. I'm (read me and my mum) going to go along to the open days for both the foundation skills and the high school diploma courses, hopefully they can help me pick the best way to get where I want to. We'll see I guess. I'm already pretty nervous. Anyway here is the plan for now:
*Foundation skills in areas I need, probably math, biology, chemistry
*High school diploma subjects as needed, again proably math, biology, chemistry and maybe one english
*Apply to Uni, I'm now thinking of apply to 2 Unis-the original one I was looking at and another slightly more prestigious one-both are away from home, I can't find a uni offering the course I want near home unfortunately
*Once I get that organised then I'll start looking into exchange or if I want to defer to travel or transfer to an overseas college
*It's a rather unusual course so exchange opportunities mat be limited-I dunno.

This is probably going to take a while *sigh* I feel like I'm getting further and further behind every year, I sometimes wonder if it's worth trying at all.

Vanessa

Not so great really

I got some not great news yesterday. To start at the beginning, in this new town we're living in (very small BTW under 3000 people) there just happens to be a uni tertiary prep teacher-not the prep I was looking at but one similar at a different uni- her husband is a math teacher. I'm glad they gave it to me straight, and it's what I've been thinking anyway but still disappointing, they said it would make more sense and be better for confidence to start at 'foundation skills', or year 10 basically, before going on to tertiary prep and then ,ultimately, university. That could take 2 years, definitely a year anyway at the very least and likely a year and a half. If I was 22 or 24 I wouldn't really worry about it, plenty of time to fit everything in. But at 27 soon to be 28 it puts a slightly different spin on things, mostly because I want to travel and for some reason working visas for australians seem to all cut off at 31. So if I do foundations skills at 28, tertiary prep for half a year at 29, then start a 3 year degree in the last half of 29 I'd be 32 at graduation. There are some ways around this, I could for example study a couple of years overseas, but the youth working visas will be lost to me. Is that a big enough deal to delay trying to go to school and try and travel first? Will I be too old at 32 to realistically enjoy the travel experience/have the social experience? Heck maybe I'm already to old for that! What is more important? What am I more likely to succeed at? Am I too old to be going back to year 10 skills? Am I too old to really ever grasp chemistry? Is it time to maybe think about trying something else? Is it time to buckle down and get it done once and for all?

I always feel embarrassed by thinking of going back to foundation skills.....I feel way to old for that.....I feel like people are judging me for having left school so early, I know it wasn't my fault but I still feel guilty and embarrassed about it: like if only I'd been a stronger more resilient person it never would've happened.

This is really hard for me.

What do you guys think?

Vanessa

Lets get real

Time I've been writing this blog: 1 and 1/2 years. 

Things that have changed since I started this blog:

* Moved from the farm to a new house for the first time in my life.

* Made some online friends. You know who you are *waves* Love you guys.

Things that haven't changed that I would like to change:

* Still no more independent

* Haven't  got my licence

* Still haven't gone back to any kind of education

* Still haven't meet any real life love interests 

* Haven't joined any classes or achieved any exercise goals

* Still haven't mastered braiding my hair, seriously. 

Now who's fault is that? Mine. If I want something I have to get it done, other people can't do it for me. Other people can provide invaluable support of course but they can't fix my life for me. It's my fear, anxiety and dragging my feet that is stopping me. I know this. I'm willing to admit it freely. But I'm not so sure how to fix it. I can make plans. I can daydream. I can even enrol/join/promise. Then I can go ahead and do nothing at all and continue to be miserable. I don't want to do that. I'm pretty sure you don't want me to do that. I have got plans for the coming year. And I'm hoping that they'll work out, but I sometimes wonder if anything will work out or I'll still be here 20 years from now writing a slightly different post about pretty much the same stuff. I don't want that. I don't really know what to do. But I guess I'm going to try.

Vanessa

Dear blog

Sometimes you're a lot of work but you're also pretty amazing in many ways. I somehow managed to miss your first birthday by 6 and a bit months.....whoops. My first ever blog post was on the 10th of June 2013, so yeah I've been doing this whole blogging thing for 1 and a half years....I think that's the longest I've ever stuck at anything in my adult life. Which is pretty sad, but I digress. Maybe soon I'll stick at something else for a while too? I hope so.

Anyway this year I'll make sure to remember my blogs birthday!

Vanessa

Could I be anymore awkward?

Probably not. Even though consciously this move hasn't shook me up too badly I think it's doing a number on me subconsciously. I really thought I was improving a little bit before we moved-feeling a tinsy bit more confident and not being so horribly tongue tied and awkward around new people. I seem to have reverted to my silent-unless-spoken-to ways and even then I only give a monosyllabic answer! Argh! People think I'm aloof and arrogant or just a bitch and I have no idea what to do-I just can't seem to get a handle on myself somehow. It's so bloody frustrating! Does any one else have this happen? Or am I just truly unfortunate? It's really not a nice headspace to be in when I'm thinking of trying to go to school and be around other people. Worst is the fact I really, really want to connect with other people but I just can't seem to reach out of my shell :( I feel like a parody of a human being. Something went wrong somewhere along the line with me and I have no idea how to fix it.

I watched 'the wetlands' last night and wished I was more like the lead character (as in she really, really doesn't care)......but really how bad is it when you want to be more like a deranged completely gross chick? Who still got the absolutely gorgeous boy might I add? I'd like tp think I'm not as weird as that chick, but you know what? In a totally different (can't stress this enough....I cringed and laughed my way through the movie in equal parts.....gross man!)  way maybe I'm actually weirder and it's just no one finds my brand of strange all that attractive? 

Vanessa

PS it doesn't help my mum keeps pointing out how award I am. Jesus. Doesn't she think I'd change it if I could?

Lets talk new years resolutions shall we?

I kind of fail at new years resolutions. Usually I don't have them as a) I suck at making lists, b) I suck at following through on lists and c) I usually don't believe I'll do whatever it is I'm making a list about. Yeah. I really need to work on that. Making goals is important. Achieving them even more so. In that vein I'll do a new years res list and see what happens:
* Learn to cook a few more healthy recipes. I can cook but mostly it's comfort food.....and I want to learn some light tasty recipes for if I'm living on my own.
* See the new hobbit movie in the actual cinema
* Keep posting on my blog
* Travel to Europe with my sister (this is tentative, my sister changes her mind like nothing else)
* Get my P-plates/provisional licence
* Use my new life planner!!!
* Wear my jewellery more often, it may not be worth $$$ but I enjoy it so I should wear it more
* Find a tinted moisturiser I like and learn to use it
* Tint my eyelashes
* Stop putting stuff down and forgetting it! I do this all the time with my phone and handbag.....it's just a matter of time before they're permanently gone!
But by far the biggest one of all:
* Figure out the whole university situation!
This is a multi tiered problem to solve, not the least of which is my own feeling that I just won't succeed so why even try? I really need to work on getting over that. Period. So in breaking it down I can't make the big decision up front so I've made a series of smaller steps:
* step one see a math/science tutor, show them the course out line, do some tutoring and see where they think I need to start ie pre-high school diploma, high school diploma or TPP
* Once I've done that I'll enrol in which ever one is the most suitable. No excuses.
* If I fail try again. And again. Don't just give up.

So that's a start right?

Vanessa